4.19.2010
4.11.2010
Tears in the morning by Raphael
I lay on a bed, next to a beautiful woman. Rays of golden light make their way through the lacy curtains. My eyes trace the blank ceiling, as I search for any abnormalities. None are found. I let out a light yawn, and it is then that I realize that the air around me is dry. However I make no attempt to reach for the glass of water only an arm's length away from me.
A siren suddenly puts an end to the silence. Probably a police car. It's noise momentarily steals my attention from the thoughts already occupying my mind. Sweet sweet thoughts. For a short time, I wonder what bad thing my have happened this morning. She lets out a groan, probably as a result of all the cacophony coming from outside. Instinctively, my hand lands on her shoulder for reassurance that I'm still next to her. Briefly, I play with her hair without thinking much. She feels the touch of my cold hands upon her skin, and I see the effect it has on her, as the sensation makes its way down her spine.
She turns, and I catch a glimpse of the smile that escapes the corner of her lips. She puts an arm around me, and gently presses her soft lips against my cheek. I let out a slight groan. Not in pleasure, but only to acknowledge her affections. My hands remain on my sides, with my eyes doggedly fixed on the ceiling. She soon pulls her arm away from me. I immediately knew what was going through her head at that moment. She wanted to keep her arm there, but the thought of my voice saying; "I'm not big on cuddling", was almost certainly ringing in her head.
My eyes remain on the ceiling. I chose to pretend as if I did not notice what she had just done. Unexpectedly, her arm returns to to wrap up my body. This time her head follows. She rests her left cheek on my chest, as she listens to the sound of my heart beating. For a brief second, the insignificant romantic in me wonders if our hearts actually beat in unison. That thought however does not linger in my head for too long.
Her hand now rests on my shoulder. Her fingers hesitantly shake, and soon they trace the edges of my chest, right up to my shoulder, and down my left arm. Obviously she is awake now. Soon she raises her head and rests her chin on my beating chest. Our eyes meet, and I witness the smile spread across her face. Her left hand squeezes through and pushes back the hair that was covering her face. The rays of sunlight bounce off her dark brown eyes. The combination of her dazzling eyes and breath-taking smile make for quite a spectacle. I manage to push out a smile to the right of my lips, and soon pull away from her eyes.
She drops her face for a brief second. A second it probably was for her, but certainly not for me. A painful hour in my case. Painful because I knew what was about to happen. What was about to be said. Or so I thought.
She says: "Babe?"
"yeah"
"Why do you do that?"
"Why do I do what?"
"why do you turn away from me?"
"I don't."
"Yes you do. You are not even looking at me as we speak!"
I bite my lip as I turn to face her. My heart sinks as I catch a glimpse of her eyes. Her already watery eyes.
"You can barely hold my gaze for five seconds. You hardly kiss in the
morning or ever! You don't put your arms around me when I do. I mean
you even turn your bloody back on me after we..."
By now her eyes can not hold back the flood that was building up behind the walls of her eye lids. Soon the eyelids overflow onto my chest, and tears stream down my skin from here eyes. I fight with all I have to hold her gaze. Nothing escapes my lips.
" I don't remember the last time you held my hand in public. I can't even
think of the last time you bought me roses. Every day I play around with
my phone, hoping that for once you would call me; just to tell me that
you are thinking of me. I've changed my hair almost three times over the
last five months. I have even changed my perfume, but after all this you
haven't even said a single word! I mean have you even noticed? Do you even
see me? Am I a fucking ghost?
She gives me no chance to answer. Not that I even have a hint of response in me to give back to her.
"baby I - I am tired, she mumbles.
A deafening silences makes its way into the room, and I could almost hear my ears ring. Still I held whatever resolve I had in me, and fought back the questioning glare before me.
"Hun, I am tired. I can't do this anymore", she said, this time in a
softer, and much more collected tone.
I had heard this very line countless times in movies. I couldn't believe I was actually on the receiving end of one. I saw the amusement in this, but fact was, the current situation was as serious as an armed robbery.
"I love you. Lord knows I do with all my heart, but I can't live like this.
You know there is nothing I wouldn't do for you to make you happy. Every
day I go out of my way to please. I try to make you smile, and be the best
I can be for you, but-but this is not right".
My fingers nervously scratch the top on my right eyebrow. I could feel that my reserves of inner strength were running on a low. If I were standing, I'm pretty sure that I would have lost my knees. My heart was thumping. Each thrust through my chest caused ripples through the little pond of tears that had formed on the contours of my skin. I could feel my bottom lip quiver, but quickly vowed to myself that I wouldn't break a tear.
She let out a pained sigh, then: -
"It's not fair. It really isn't. I am always here for you when you need
me. Christ I have even sacrificed holiday plans, only so you wouldn't
spend them alone!"
My lips part in an attempt to respond, but I;m quickly halted by a raised palm in front of my face.
"I must have been the most evil person ever in my past life, 'cause I
really don't deserve this! This is too big a punishment for any person.
I can't even tell you the state of my heart right now. I wish you could
just tell me, instead of lying to my bloody face all the time! Just tell
me the truth and spare me all the lies and subsequent stupid bits of
hope I desperately hang on to!
By now I was feeling very lost. I did not understand were all this was going. "lying to her?" But I have done no such thing. I haven't even laid my hands on another woman!
"Daisy what are you talking about"
Daisy was her nickname. I don't remember how it came about, but it stuck. Perhaps 'cause I bought her daisies once on a date. As soon as I had asked that question though, I wished I hadn't because the expression on her face swiftly changed. Without struggling, she got herself kneeling on the bed looking down at me. I could see the steam building up in her, and I was bracing myself for an imminent eruption of profanities, amongst other not-so-decent words. Just before she exploded into a vocal frenzy, she took a deep breath, calmed herself down, and gathered her sense. She spoke in a soft and painful voice.
"This is exactly what I'm talking about. You act as if you don't
understand the words coming out of my mouth, but I know you do. Please -
don't even look at me with those eyes. I hate them. I hate you."
To say I was a bit confused would be an understatement. What does this woman want? A minute ago she loved me, now she hates my guts? I could feel the confused expression spread across my face.
"Sweety, when you look at me, what do you see?"
I let out a scoff and looked around as if looking for someone in the room who could relate to my current dilemma.
"Actually I asked that wrong; WHO do you see?"
I immediately knew what she was insinuating. My heart sank.
"At least give me the respect of telling me her name. I want to know the
name of the woman you see when you look at me. The woman you day-dream of
when you mistakenly hold my hand, then pull away when you drift back to
reality. The woman who's name is always on your lips. You think I don't
why you call me Daisy and all the other pathetic and affection-less pet
names? It's all out of fear of calling me by the wrong name!
She took a brief moment, and raised here eyes to mine.
" Who is the woman keeping you from me?"
I took in the dejected expression that was now firmly across her face. It melted any surviving bit of male pride within me. I felt a tear roll down my cheek. Despite the obvious pain I put her through, I was amazed when she caught that very tear and wiped it off my face. I wasn't sure why she had just done what she did. The degree of her care rattled me to the core. Why care for me when I am the reason for your suffering? I let go of her gaze. No response came out of me. I heard the sound of her feet on the wooden floor. The door swiftly shut behind her, and she was gone.
A siren suddenly puts an end to the silence. Probably a police car. It's noise momentarily steals my attention from the thoughts already occupying my mind. Sweet sweet thoughts. For a short time, I wonder what bad thing my have happened this morning. She lets out a groan, probably as a result of all the cacophony coming from outside. Instinctively, my hand lands on her shoulder for reassurance that I'm still next to her. Briefly, I play with her hair without thinking much. She feels the touch of my cold hands upon her skin, and I see the effect it has on her, as the sensation makes its way down her spine.
She turns, and I catch a glimpse of the smile that escapes the corner of her lips. She puts an arm around me, and gently presses her soft lips against my cheek. I let out a slight groan. Not in pleasure, but only to acknowledge her affections. My hands remain on my sides, with my eyes doggedly fixed on the ceiling. She soon pulls her arm away from me. I immediately knew what was going through her head at that moment. She wanted to keep her arm there, but the thought of my voice saying; "I'm not big on cuddling", was almost certainly ringing in her head.
My eyes remain on the ceiling. I chose to pretend as if I did not notice what she had just done. Unexpectedly, her arm returns to to wrap up my body. This time her head follows. She rests her left cheek on my chest, as she listens to the sound of my heart beating. For a brief second, the insignificant romantic in me wonders if our hearts actually beat in unison. That thought however does not linger in my head for too long.
Her hand now rests on my shoulder. Her fingers hesitantly shake, and soon they trace the edges of my chest, right up to my shoulder, and down my left arm. Obviously she is awake now. Soon she raises her head and rests her chin on my beating chest. Our eyes meet, and I witness the smile spread across her face. Her left hand squeezes through and pushes back the hair that was covering her face. The rays of sunlight bounce off her dark brown eyes. The combination of her dazzling eyes and breath-taking smile make for quite a spectacle. I manage to push out a smile to the right of my lips, and soon pull away from her eyes.
She drops her face for a brief second. A second it probably was for her, but certainly not for me. A painful hour in my case. Painful because I knew what was about to happen. What was about to be said. Or so I thought.
She says: "Babe?"
"yeah"
"Why do you do that?"
"Why do I do what?"
"why do you turn away from me?"
"I don't."
"Yes you do. You are not even looking at me as we speak!"
I bite my lip as I turn to face her. My heart sinks as I catch a glimpse of her eyes. Her already watery eyes.
"You can barely hold my gaze for five seconds. You hardly kiss in the
morning or ever! You don't put your arms around me when I do. I mean
you even turn your bloody back on me after we..."
By now her eyes can not hold back the flood that was building up behind the walls of her eye lids. Soon the eyelids overflow onto my chest, and tears stream down my skin from here eyes. I fight with all I have to hold her gaze. Nothing escapes my lips.
" I don't remember the last time you held my hand in public. I can't even
think of the last time you bought me roses. Every day I play around with
my phone, hoping that for once you would call me; just to tell me that
you are thinking of me. I've changed my hair almost three times over the
last five months. I have even changed my perfume, but after all this you
haven't even said a single word! I mean have you even noticed? Do you even
see me? Am I a fucking ghost?
She gives me no chance to answer. Not that I even have a hint of response in me to give back to her.
"baby I - I am tired, she mumbles.
A deafening silences makes its way into the room, and I could almost hear my ears ring. Still I held whatever resolve I had in me, and fought back the questioning glare before me.
"Hun, I am tired. I can't do this anymore", she said, this time in a
softer, and much more collected tone.
I had heard this very line countless times in movies. I couldn't believe I was actually on the receiving end of one. I saw the amusement in this, but fact was, the current situation was as serious as an armed robbery.
"I love you. Lord knows I do with all my heart, but I can't live like this.
You know there is nothing I wouldn't do for you to make you happy. Every
day I go out of my way to please. I try to make you smile, and be the best
I can be for you, but-but this is not right".
My fingers nervously scratch the top on my right eyebrow. I could feel that my reserves of inner strength were running on a low. If I were standing, I'm pretty sure that I would have lost my knees. My heart was thumping. Each thrust through my chest caused ripples through the little pond of tears that had formed on the contours of my skin. I could feel my bottom lip quiver, but quickly vowed to myself that I wouldn't break a tear.
She let out a pained sigh, then: -
"It's not fair. It really isn't. I am always here for you when you need
me. Christ I have even sacrificed holiday plans, only so you wouldn't
spend them alone!"
My lips part in an attempt to respond, but I;m quickly halted by a raised palm in front of my face.
"I must have been the most evil person ever in my past life, 'cause I
really don't deserve this! This is too big a punishment for any person.
I can't even tell you the state of my heart right now. I wish you could
just tell me, instead of lying to my bloody face all the time! Just tell
me the truth and spare me all the lies and subsequent stupid bits of
hope I desperately hang on to!
By now I was feeling very lost. I did not understand were all this was going. "lying to her?" But I have done no such thing. I haven't even laid my hands on another woman!
"Daisy what are you talking about"
Daisy was her nickname. I don't remember how it came about, but it stuck. Perhaps 'cause I bought her daisies once on a date. As soon as I had asked that question though, I wished I hadn't because the expression on her face swiftly changed. Without struggling, she got herself kneeling on the bed looking down at me. I could see the steam building up in her, and I was bracing myself for an imminent eruption of profanities, amongst other not-so-decent words. Just before she exploded into a vocal frenzy, she took a deep breath, calmed herself down, and gathered her sense. She spoke in a soft and painful voice.
"This is exactly what I'm talking about. You act as if you don't
understand the words coming out of my mouth, but I know you do. Please -
don't even look at me with those eyes. I hate them. I hate you."
To say I was a bit confused would be an understatement. What does this woman want? A minute ago she loved me, now she hates my guts? I could feel the confused expression spread across my face.
"Sweety, when you look at me, what do you see?"
I let out a scoff and looked around as if looking for someone in the room who could relate to my current dilemma.
"Actually I asked that wrong; WHO do you see?"
I immediately knew what she was insinuating. My heart sank.
"At least give me the respect of telling me her name. I want to know the
name of the woman you see when you look at me. The woman you day-dream of
when you mistakenly hold my hand, then pull away when you drift back to
reality. The woman who's name is always on your lips. You think I don't
why you call me Daisy and all the other pathetic and affection-less pet
names? It's all out of fear of calling me by the wrong name!
She took a brief moment, and raised here eyes to mine.
" Who is the woman keeping you from me?"
I took in the dejected expression that was now firmly across her face. It melted any surviving bit of male pride within me. I felt a tear roll down my cheek. Despite the obvious pain I put her through, I was amazed when she caught that very tear and wiped it off my face. I wasn't sure why she had just done what she did. The degree of her care rattled me to the core. Why care for me when I am the reason for your suffering? I let go of her gaze. No response came out of me. I heard the sound of her feet on the wooden floor. The door swiftly shut behind her, and she was gone.
